Monday, March 19, 2007

Nirvana Song Sold for Use in Drano Advertisements; Last Remnants of 1990s Grunge Fans’ Faith in Humankind Shattered

In a move Nirvana fans have been dreading since it was announced that Courtney Love had sold a fraction of a portion of a bit of a segment of a percentage of the Nirvana catalog to Primary Wave Music Publishing, SC Johnson announced today that it has secured the rights to the Kurt Cobain-penned song “Drain You,” which the company will feature in a series of commercials for its Drano product.

According to Richard Bendinbraker, Senior VP of Inappropriate Lyric Re-Appropriation at SC Johnson, the song’s lyric It is now my duty to completely drain you will be featured in a series of 30-second commercials, with the altered slogan It is now my duty to completely Drano. The lyric itself will be sung by a giant Drano bottle, dressed in Cobain’s signature flannel shirt and torn jeans made famous in the Smells Like Teen Spirit video.

“Too many people from my generation view Kurt in the wrong way, as nothing more than a junky with a guitar and overwrought, maudlin personal angst,” Bendinbraker said in a press release. “However, Kurt was much more than that. Instead, he was a junky with a guitar and overwrought, maudlin personal angst who wrote catchy tunes that can be crassly commercialized and repackaged for disgusting product placement.”

Gerald Huntington IV of Primary Wave insists the commercials will remain tasteful and respectful of Cobain. “Some people have already accused us of dry-humping Kurt’s legacy like a horny junkyard dog in August, but that’s simply not fair. These advertisements will pay tribute to Kurt’s genius, creativity, and lasting impact on the American musical landscape. That, and his blessed ability to generate revenue even as a bone-dead rocker so that I can afford that second summer home in Maui.”

“This opens the door for a series of other bold opportunities for our company,” Huntington IV continued. “Already we’re in negotiations for licensing other Nirvana songs, including “Territorial Pissings” for Roto-Rooter, “Big Cheese” for Velveeta, and “Come As You Are” for Big Bob’s Adult Video Emporium of Sheboygan. It’s an incredibly positive development for both the Nirvana legacy and fans of Nirvana’s textured, complex, and unimaginably marketable music.”

However, some Nirvana fans feel differently. “I associate Nirvana’s music with my high school years,” said 29 year-old Red Lobster line cook Joe Dickinson. “To me, Nirvana was about all-night, all-male Sega tournaments with friends, Saturday nights spent alone and blowing my wad four or five times, and huffing in closets in Jeremy’s basement. That kind of stuff.”

Charles Napson, a 31 year-old investment banker, echoed those sentiments. “Only Kurt understood the struggles I went through, my torment, my inner turmoil. When I was suffering through my upper middle class, private-school teenage years and arguing with my parents about wanting a BMW instead of a SAAB, Nirvana’s music was there to comfort me, like a warm blanket. When I had to decide whether to bang Cindy or Samantha or both, I looked to Nirvana for guidance. Banged ‘em both, by the way. That’s what Nirvana’s music is about.”

The ghost of Kurt Cobain was unavailable for comment from the Great Beyond. According to his publicist Shannon Hoon, Cobain was participating in the sixth annual Tortured Songwriters Conference and Symposium, sponsored by Budweiser.

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